The Selfish Lie

In the gospel of Jesus Christ there are two elements constantly at play. One is what Christ taught. The other is how we interpret and put into practice what Christ taught. As an LDS people we have "righteousness" down to a science. It shows up as a lengthy list of appropriate beverages, proper hemlines, ages when things ought to happen (or not happen), how often one shaves his face, what callings a person has served in, and a lengthy list of attributes we endlessly strive to emulate. In the moments where these yard sticks come out, publicly or in private, I can't help but imagine God slapping His palm to His holy forehead and wondering once again, "How can I ever get them to see the forest through the trees?" It's true, Coke isn't really healthy and callings have the potential to refine us into more Christ centered people, but there is a "looking beyond the mark" I would like to address today, and I want to do it through the extensively perpetuated lie of selfishness, and the truth about charity.

Each individual on the earth is not only entitled to, but responsible for working out his or her own health and happiness. It's a stewardship--like a visiting or home teaching calling. That's not a lesson we're taught in Sunday school, but it is an eternal truth. We know the lessons on charity, sacrifice, sanctification, the refiner's fire, selflessness, meekness, humility and pride, but I have never been there for the lesson about how to care for oneself or a mere mention of how incredibly important it is. As we put into practice the aforementioned principles I fear we neglect this key concept of caring for ones self. We cannot have one without the other. The river will run dry, and who do we expect to replenish the river?

When we hop on Hollywood's train wreck and assume a spouse or lover will somehow fill every nook and cranny of our depleted, love starved souls that we've spent years neglecting in an effort to be "selfless", we set ourselves and our relationships up for dramatic and inevitable failure. Ask yourself, "What do I need to feel replenished and ready to serve my neighbor?" If you don't know, how can you expect your partner to contribute in any way? And really, is it his or her responsibility?

No. No it's not.

It's our job to know ourselves-- what we don't like, what builds us up, how we handle stress, what brings us down, and it's our job to make sure we get plenty of what we need. Without this grounding we are ill tuned and unbalanced instruments in the hands of God. If you are lucky enough to have a loving, devoted partner who is a perfect yin to your yang, the stars have aligned and you have special help on your journey to self discovery, but you will always be the captain of this ship.

But what about God? God will replenish me for my faithful devotion, right?

This is true, but in order to fully realize this blessing we need to understand the character of God. I believe in a God of miracles. He parted the red sea, forgave sins, raised the dead, overcame physical and spiritual death and created the platypus--all of which is nothing compared to the way He can heal a broken heart. God can do all things, but He has His methods, and they are typically to work through logical, natural means. This means the blessings He sends us are more likely to be things like finding an extra hour to nap in a day that was so jam packed we never would have thought it would be possible to get in that greatly needed rest, and less like making a day 25 hours long for our resting pleasure. There's a story of a man in a flood. He climbs on the roof of a house and prays to be rescued. As the water rises first a man on a raft stops by, then a man in a boat, then a helicopter. All three tell him to climb aboard, but the man's answer? "It's okay. God will save me. You go ahead."

God will replenish you, if you will take the nap, the extended hand, the priesthood blessing, the art class, the vacation, the new dress, the opportunity to further your career so you can have a fulfilling job, or the opportunity to say, "No, I just can't help you with that right now."

To be selfish is to act in ones own best interest with no regard or concern for the wellbeing of others. It is a focus on self that extends beyond coming to understand oneself and comes at the cost of compassion. It's when your seven year old self eats two ice cream sundaes in front of your little sister because you can, and you know she will hate it, even though the second ice cream sundae is guaranteed to make you sick.

To be selfless is to recognize that there are times when it is appropriate or necessary for your needs to come second, and that that's okay. (*Notice this does not say"become non-existent".) It's when a new parent is exhausted beyond comprehension but still gets out of bed to hold the crying baby.

And now, for the truth about charity. Moroni 7 teaches us that charity is, "the pure love of Christ." But what does that mean? I've been pondering that lately and this is what I've settled on. Charity is when you see people the way God and Christ see them. Because you see the good in them, the kindness and service that naturally follows is a simple byproduct. It's not a forced, mechanized action performed inauthentically in order to check it off the "how to get righteous" list. It's love. Real true, honest to goodness love, and when it comes from that place, it's nowhere near as draining. The thing to remember, the thing we somehow always manage to forget is that God wants us to experience that love too, and He's counting on us to show that love--to others, yes, but perhaps most importantly to ourselves.

Let's talk about sex, baby.

When I was on my mission I was at a district meeting where our Zone Leader was setting up a role-play for us to practice our missionarying skills. The Elder started off by saying, "Sister Frowfrow, you will be a nun and your daughter..." at which point I confusedly blurted out, "What do you mean, daughter? Nuns don't have sex."

My simple declaration of an obvious snafu in his proposed scenario was met with one muted chuckle (from my companion) and four sets of nineteen year old diverted eyes. After the ensuing five second awkward silence the Zone Leader proffered, "Way to be bold Sister Frowfrow."

Mormons are uncomfortable talking about sex, which is terribly ironic for three reasons:
1. We have a lot of it. We have notoriously large families, and I certainly hope by now that we all know where babies come from.
2. We have the most specific, direct mandate that shapes what is and is not appropriate for our sexual behavior of any group I'm personally aware of. If we don't adhere to this code of conduct there are ramifications, immediate and eternal.
3. We are, in our own way, a very sex-positive people. We have our lessons on abstinence and fidelity, but the core is always that we save that experience for our partner because it is so special, wonderful, beautiful and bonding. Still, despite these seemingly obvious facts we somehow find ourselves listening to, or perhaps even repeating the mantra, "Sex is uncontrollable, sex is scary, sex will destroy you, sex is stronger than you ever could be. Avoid it at all costs, then give it to someone you love."

Today I want to suggest that there is a better way, and that there are several issues that arise from this kind of rhetoric. Take for example, this one:

It's an ugly, uncomfortable byproduct of the culture we share that boys and girls, men and women are getting married because they don't want to, "mess up." We're taught that sex is such in incredibly overwhelming force to be reckoned that we we may as well dive headfirst into an unknown eternity to avoid it overtaking us. I had a particularly sexually curious friend who was actually counseled by her bishop that she should, "Just go ahead and get married," when she wasn't even dating anyone--the theory being it was better for her to marry the next Peter Priesthood that came her way than make the colossal mistake of sleeping with the wrong guy. Please tell me you see the irony in this--the terrifying, disturbing, damning irony. And PS, the "next Peter Priesthood" she did in fact marry reportedly now, 5+ years later, has a porn habit and a tough time holding down a job.

This point in the post seems like the right time for me to declare that I agree with the following statement from Elder Holland as it applies to believing members of our faith who take the opportunity to knowingly investigate forbidden paths. "We declare that one who uses the God-given body of another without divine sanction abuses the very soul of that individual...In exploiting the body of another--which means exploiting his or her soul--one desecrates the Atonement of Jesus Christ, which saved that soul and which makes possible the gift of eternal life...Please never say, 'Who does it hurt? Why not a little freedom? I can transgress now and repent later.' Please don't be so foolish and so cruel. You cannot with impunity crucify Christ afresh." (Personal Purity, Jeffrey R. Holland, October General Conference, 1998.)

Are you freaked out? Because I was. No one wants that, and it was partially in order to avoid such a graphic, heinous act as to, "crucify Christ afresh", but also to satisfy a curiosity that had swelled to life impeding magnitude that I married. He drove a VW van, was a returned missionary, grew a substantial man sized beard and said things like, "You are the apple of my eye and the reason some people think I'm asthmatic." That was good enough for me. Besides, when he kissed me I was transported to a world I had never known where all the broken bits of my past were bathed in a golden/pinkish light where their sharp edges only made them shimmer. As far as I was concerned, God could work out the details. (*For a full account on how that hasty decision has impacted my life, check out my other blog, Devout Yet Divorced Mormons.)

But there are some details God doesn't work out for us--some He wants us to work out for ourselves. A healthy relationship with sex, I contest, is one of those things. To me, it all begins with one key shift:

Abandon the fear.

By preaching that women need to guard their carnal treasure and men need to avert their eyes we are instilling within our children/peers/students/friends that this natural, God given desire to build intimacy with another human being, to be loving, kind, curious, open, vulnerable, and to have all that culminate in a sexual expression of love is something fearful. We are promoting the idea that sex--down and dirty, instant gratification, Satan's version of sex is stronger than God's version of marital sexual intimacy. In instructing our children to beware! Guard themselves! Look away! We are adding fear and shame to Satan's list of tools to taint the most sacred, holy, enjoyable, bonding experience known to man.

I get why it's used so often. Fear is powerful, and it works... except for when it doesn't. Depending on a few key factors, like how aggressively the fear card is played by an authority figure, how curious or forthright the child is and how much opportunity is given, fear may or may not work as a means of controlling the behavior of acting in sexual deviance... but we're forgetting something. The whole point of life is for us to become something new, right? The Plan of Salvation is for us to grow and learn and change into better creatures so that one day we can abide a celestial glory-- not for us to be so afraid of punishment that we simply don't commit an act. It's about changing our thoughts, our hearts, our desires, and the way we do or don't do something. If we want the Spirit to work with us, we've got to stop lying about sex. We've got to teach our children this:

At various times of your life, or even the month, week or day, you will want to have sex. The desire will be strong, because it's spiritual, physical and biological. Having sex and all the things that lead up to sex will release chemicals in your body and brain that are scientifically proven to be as powerful as narcotics. Know that this is a part of you--a good, healthy part of you, but know also that you are stronger than your desire to procreate. It cannot overtake you, break you, or make you into something beneath who you really are without you allowing it to. It only gets that kind of play in Nicolas Sparks movies and Satan's game plan (which, by the way, are remarkably similar when you really think about it).

At any given moment in your life, you are the master of your destiny. You can and will make choices. When the time, or more likely times come for you to decide, Will I have sex today? I want you to remember this: you are the only one who can make that decision. You are the only one who will. It's not the media's fault or the responsibility of the boy/girl you are with. It's not your parent's fault for saying too much or too little. It's not something that just happens and it's not something that has no consequence. Look in your soul and identify how you really feel about what it means to have sex, how and when you want that to happen, and know that you are absolutely in control of whether you live up to that standard or not. If you have a weakness, fortify yourself. Set up appropriate safety nets and boundaries to keep yourself on the path you want to be on. Pray for help and surround yourself with good things, but never give in to the damning suggestion that you are a victim to your own body or that a suitable substitute for self control is prematurely diving into an eternally binding commitment with ramifications far beyond the reality you can presently comprehend.

Go for a jog, take up a hobby, reach out to someone in service, read a good book, fill your mind with the endless curiosities of the gorgeous world around you, learn something new, push yourself in another direction until you achieve things you didn't think were possible. There is more to life. There is more to love. There is more to be experienced while you wait for the right time and place to healthily enjoy sex.

And Now, A Letter to Singles Ward Members

First of all, hello world, and --woah. I was not expecting that kind of response to "A Letter to Singles Ward Bishops".

Second of all, see! I knew I wasn't the only one who felt this way!

Third of all, we need to talk.

Now, all that I said about bishops in singles wards is true. I stand by it 100%. That being said, I now have a few words to say to the (apparently massive) group of young single adults-- or perhaps not-so-young single adults-- that responded to my implied, "Can I get an amen?"

Judging by the comments on the original post, many of us are feeling so completely overwhelmed/bullied/misunderstood/undervalued that we are finding ourselves gravitating toward what admittedly appear at times to be greener pastures. Let me start by saying, yeah. I see where you're coming from. You're right. Living the gospel has its inherent challenges, but rising to to the occasion of avoiding vices, bridling passions, magnifying callings and giving up forever sexy underwear only to be met with mangled messages about the worth of your soul and how it relates to your marital status is bunk at best. When you leave what should be the feet of our Savior each week with a head full of undesired marital advice and a solid set of spiritual empty calories, it's enough to make anyone indignant. 



You have every right to be frustrated, disheartened, upset and to want things to change. I am right there with you! However, this business about sitting back silently bitter, skulking off or angrily exiting in search of a better life, we've got to knock that off.

I come from a very large family where I am the only kid who still attends church. My siblings who have deliberately left the church have chosen lives that suit them. They are moral, conscientious folks who have found peace in the way they live. I love them and am happy for them. As for me, I have certainly run the gamete  in terms of questioning my faith. (When you have 11 siblings and two parents that have left the church it's kind of inevitable.) All that is to say, I understand and respect that some of you feel a legitimate need to leave the church. I wish you luck in your lives and sincerely hope you find peace-- but this post is about the people who, in their heart of hearts, at the end of every day and after a long week of discouragement find solace and replenishing in the doctrines of the restored gospel of Jesus Christ. This post is for the people like me.

If you get discouraged over the marriage pressure issue, getting kicked out of your ward because you're "too old", have gotten divorced and have no idea where you fit in or are otherwise feeling disgruntled with cultural elements of this church that is incomprehensibly expansive in scope but sometimes incredibly narrow minded and always will be imperfect, this is what I have to say to you:

1. God knows you on a deeper level than is presently fathomable to the mortal mind. He is aware of this moment in your life and He will not leave you. This I know for sure.

2. You are not alone. Not only is God there, but sitting in your congregation each week there are people --and often not the ones you'd expect-- who are having similar experiences to yours.

3. When it seems no one notices, no one understands, and no one cares, God does. Your efforts are neither wasted nor unwitnessed.

4.  This church so desperately needs you to be present, invested, involved and vocal.

Think this through for a moment. If in every ward the people who feel the way you and I do keep their mouths shut and walk away in search of the magical land of Truth Minus Cultural Mishaps, how will the culture of the church ever shift to live up to the doctrinal mandates? How will any of us feel less alone? How can any of us survive? 

5. We cannot always rely on outside sources to contribute to our spiritual well being.

It shouldn't be this way. It's not fair. It's not what we or the natural man in us want. I'm convinced it's not really what God has in mind either. He favors a Zion like society. However, it is Godly to take seriously the responsibility for nourishing ourselves spiritually, and we can do it with God's help, even when it's a spiritual party of two. Trust me. If God and I can pull me up by my bootstraps after the year 2012 in my life, you can make it through your rivers of sorrow too.

So this week, get in touch with God and when you do, ask Him how He feels about you. Ask Him if He loves you less for being single or childless or for having your addictions. Ask Him if He knows what's in your heart, then ask Him who around you uniquely needs your help. Open your mind and heart and listen. Then, no matter what anyone says this Sunday about marriage or babies or age or their spiritual experience on their jet ski, remember how you feel with God. Remember that all God's kids are mortal (including you and me), and remember that you have a right to be where you are, to feel how you feel and to have your own personal relationship with Heavenly Father. Walk tall in your little patch of the vineyard, and stop looking for the door. We need you. I need you. The church and the world need you to let your light so shine.

There's doctrine, and then there's culture.

My name is (not really) Imogen Frowfrow, and I love the gospel of Jesus Christ.

No, but seriously.

All I ever want to be be doing is talking about the doctrines of the gospel with my buddies or teaching a lesson in Relief Society, giving a talk in church or listening to conference talks on my iphone. I love discovering one after another after another the connections, moments of illumination, inspiration, and clarity that come when I immerse myself in the Truth of the gospel of Jesus Christ.

Also, sometimes being Mormon drives me crazy.

I am 100% in favor of service projects, cultivating kindness, visiting teaching, scripture study and the profoundly powerful medium of prayer and the way it connects me to God. I served a mission, I love church history, modern prophets and revelation. However, there are certain elements of daily life as a Mormon that drive me completely nuts. These are the things that we have let permeate our religion that are in no way doctrinally supported. We are a people of many traditions, for better or worse, and when it's for worse we have a saying.

"Well, there's doctrine, and then there's culture."

I like this phrase because it reminds me that, in those moments where I'm in church and something feels terribly, horribly wrong, it probably is wrong. This phrase reminds me that that's not God, that's just His kids doing their best, so I don't have to reconcile my life to fit that ideal.

I am also deeply disturbed by this phrase because I've found that most often it's used to justify the places our culture doesn't line up with our doctrines. In other words, it's telling us we don't have to practice what we preach. Some of these cultural elements are peripheral, silly, even entertaining. Others are quietly eroding the souls of faithful Latter Day Saints everywhere and these spiritual siblings of mine are leaving... en masse. 

So what's a poor gal to do in a top down, patriarchal organization run by God Himself when a well meaning leader starts talking about the righteousness of a particular political party, the way God loves some of His kids more than others, or how even a barn looks better with a coat of paint on it? How can we break free from the endless routine of putting on a happy face for the free food activity doused in crepe paper when all we really want is something spiritually solid? When will we start answering from our souls in Sunday school instead of thoughtlessly resurrecting and reciting the responses of days gone by? 

I used to feel somewhat helpless about this situation; victimized by what seemed to be an overwhelming majority of people set on marching to the beat of that drum. Then, I started saying what I actually think and feel, and you know what? Turns out I'm not the only one in the drum line aching for a cello. One of the most empowering days of my life was the day I realized that I'm a part of Mormon culture too, and guess what? So are you.