Have something to say? I want to hear it! Send me your questions, comments and guest post compositions to imogenfrowfrow@gmail.com and watch the magic unfold.
Your post to Singles ward Bishops and Members were both great. As a recently divorced 25 year old man going back to the singles ward scene, it has been hard. People don't understand how my ex and I could get divorced if we were both active members in the church. They don't understand that you really CAN marry the wrong person. Although many of my former friends (I returned to the singles ward I got married in) have reached out to me; it is different. I am somehow contagious. "How could you get married in the temple, both stay active; and still get divorced?" I can't tell them it was because my wife had borderline personality disorder and is literally pathologically unable to be in a committed relationship--they wouldn't understand. And already I am being pressured to "get back out there" and find love again, when all I really want to do is just have a place where I feel comfortable existing for a little while. At the same time, when I do go out with girls; it's like "what!? you've only been divorced 3 months???". Catch 22. Thanks for your post. It rings true.
It certainly can be a lonely road we walk.I feel you there. That's why I started my divorce blog in the first place. (www.divorcedLDS.blogspot.com) Keep you chin up. You are nowhere near as alone as you think you are, and the non-divorced member of our faith seem to be coming around. All the time I get comments or emails about how the blog I write is helping them understand what someone in their lives who has been divorced is going through. Honestly, I had a lot of the same reactions to divorced people before I went through it myself, and I consider myself to be an extremely open minded Mormon. People just need to know someone who goes through it. That gets them thinking. Every time you open up you give someone an opportunity to develop empathy and change their way of thinking. It can be exhausting, but when you are able, I think it's a great service to both the divorced LDS community and regular old LDS folks.
One other comment--about dating again. Some of the best advice I ever received was from my counselor who told me not to date at all for the entire first year, at minimum. Divorce rates actually increase for second marriages and increase again for third. This is largely due to the fact that people bounce from one marriage to the next. The time I took to heal up has been so, so, so crucial for my emotional wellbeing. A relationship absolutely will NOT fix what breaks inside us when we end a relationship. That takes personal healing and healing takes time. My strong suggestion for you is to take ALL the time you need to get healthy before you try to dive in to dating again. Honestly, if I were dating someone and found out he was divorced three months ago, that would be a red flag for me too. It's nothing about you. It's the process of healing from a divorce. It just takes time to figure out what happened, what you really want now, how to make sure you don't make the same mistakes again etc. I know (quite intimately) all the pressure out there. I'm 29 and have been divorced almost 18 months and still am on the fence about starting up another relationship, so if you want to talk ticking clocks, I think I've got the upper hand. Tell them to shove it and do what you want.
Seriously. It feels amazing. I'm happier and healthier at this moment in my life than I have ever been. That's the truth.
Jumping into another relationship to appease someone else will bring you right back to this place, I can almost guarantee it.
Keep your chin up, my friend. It does get better, and there is nothing wrong with giving it time, and more time, and then a little more time. Just keep throwing six months at it, and in the mean time, show yourself some love. You're going to need it. ; )
Your post to Singles ward Bishops and Members were both great. As a recently divorced 25 year old man going back to the singles ward scene, it has been hard. People don't understand how my ex and I could get divorced if we were both active members in the church. They don't understand that you really CAN marry the wrong person. Although many of my former friends (I returned to the singles ward I got married in) have reached out to me; it is different. I am somehow contagious. "How could you get married in the temple, both stay active; and still get divorced?" I can't tell them it was because my wife had borderline personality disorder and is literally pathologically unable to be in a committed relationship--they wouldn't understand. And already I am being pressured to "get back out there" and find love again, when all I really want to do is just have a place where I feel comfortable existing for a little while. At the same time, when I do go out with girls; it's like "what!? you've only been divorced 3 months???". Catch 22. Thanks for your post. It rings true.
ReplyDeleteIt certainly can be a lonely road we walk.I feel you there. That's why I started my divorce blog in the first place. (www.divorcedLDS.blogspot.com) Keep you chin up. You are nowhere near as alone as you think you are, and the non-divorced member of our faith seem to be coming around. All the time I get comments or emails about how the blog I write is helping them understand what someone in their lives who has been divorced is going through. Honestly, I had a lot of the same reactions to divorced people before I went through it myself, and I consider myself to be an extremely open minded Mormon. People just need to know someone who goes through it. That gets them thinking. Every time you open up you give someone an opportunity to develop empathy and change their way of thinking. It can be exhausting, but when you are able, I think it's a great service to both the divorced LDS community and regular old LDS folks.
DeleteOne other comment--about dating again. Some of the best advice I ever received was from my counselor who told me not to date at all for the entire first year, at minimum. Divorce rates actually increase for second marriages and increase again for third. This is largely due to the fact that people bounce from one marriage to the next. The time I took to heal up has been so, so, so crucial for my emotional wellbeing. A relationship absolutely will NOT fix what breaks inside us when we end a relationship. That takes personal healing and healing takes time. My strong suggestion for you is to take ALL the time you need to get healthy before you try to dive in to dating again. Honestly, if I were dating someone and found out he was divorced three months ago, that would be a red flag for me too. It's nothing about you. It's the process of healing from a divorce. It just takes time to figure out what happened, what you really want now, how to make sure you don't make the same mistakes again etc. I know (quite intimately) all the pressure out there. I'm 29 and have been divorced almost 18 months and still am on the fence about starting up another relationship, so if you want to talk ticking clocks, I think I've got the upper hand. Tell them to shove it and do what you want.
Seriously. It feels amazing. I'm happier and healthier at this moment in my life than I have ever been. That's the truth.
Jumping into another relationship to appease someone else will bring you right back to this place, I can almost guarantee it.
Keep your chin up, my friend. It does get better, and there is nothing wrong with giving it time, and more time, and then a little more time. Just keep throwing six months at it, and in the mean time, show yourself some love. You're going to need it. ; )