Last semester in relief society a well meaning senior sister missionary took it upon herself to remind the class of our duty to keep our lovely lady lumps under control for the benefit of our priesthood brethren. She warned us of the dangerous thoughts young men have and described to us our innocence, ending with, “I know you would never mean to do that to the brethren. You don’t even know that it’s happening, really. You’ve just got to be careful.”
Today I want to tell you about why I feel the need to echo the words of Elder Jeffrey R. Holland on the topic of placing the responsibility for sexual purity of young men on the shoulders of young women. “Seldom have I heard any point made about this subject that makes me want to throw up more than that." (True story. Read, "Of Souls, Symbols and Sacraments" for the full account.)
Let’s remove the language we as LDS people so often use to couch these messages. Make no mistake here, what that sister was saying and what has been echoed for decades upon centuries is that it is a woman’s responsibility to control the sexual nature of men’s thoughts, and that the best way for her to do this is to cover her body. This concept is rampantly perpetuated in our culture and so infuriatingly asinine I am nearly at a loss for where to start with its deconstruction.
First, just briefly, let’s get this out of the way. We need to obliterate the notion that we, the young adults of the church are somehow unaware of the sometimes sexual nature of thoughts of men (and women!). We know where babies come from, and most of us are excited to get some first hand practice at that. This whole, “You’re virtuous because you have never been exposed to dark choices,” idea is not an option for our generation. We’ve been exposed. We’ve all been exposed. We are virtuous because we make an informed decision to choose light. I can make you a list of all the people from my home town who have made extremely poor sexual decisions or died of a drug overdose. This whole Mormon thing I’m doing didn’t happen by accident or because I don’t know of any other way to be.
Second, to say the mere presence of the body of a woman has an overwhelming effect on the thoughts of a man so as to render him powerless, regardless of the woman’s intentions, is to reduce men to the status of primal idiots incapable of the most basic elements of self control. Equally as false and disturbing, this sentiment reduces women to nothing more than a few select, isolated parts of her body and throws blame, guilt and shame at her in a situation far beyond her control and rightly outside her responsibility.
Of all people on earth we ought to know better. A unique doctrine to our faith is that we believe men and women to be gods in embryo. We are dynamic, capable, powerful, intelligent beings bursting with potential for growth and starving for opportunities to do what is good and right. When this damaging rhetoric is taught as truth in an environment where we are hoping to be filled with spiritual sustenance, the effect is a perpetuation of the very behavior the rhetoric is intended to prevent. Clearly, reteaching this lie does not change the behavior, it only puts both men and women in an unhealthy position.
Men may feel justified, even encouraged in allowing the natural man to run rampant since it is described as having such fortitude. If it’s not his responsibility to control his thoughts, it’s not his fault when his physiological responses “take over”. It’s the woman--the woman in all her sumptuous glory must be stopped. And this, my friends, is where religion feeds directly into rape culture.
On the other end of the spectrum we have men who are not hounded day and night by this obsessive need to breed. This may be because they have become mature, balanced, self possessed individuals. Or, far more common than we ever acknowledge, the spectrum of human sexuality is just that: a spectrum. Some men find that the hyper masculine image portrayed in the media resonates with them. Others are not constantly overtaken by this stereotypical behavior championed in music, locker rooms, TV and movies. I have ground-breaking news: some men, even heterosexual, women loving, motorcycle riding, sports playing men just don’t experience life the way it is far too frequently described. When this end of the spectrum encounters such talk of women’s overpowering lustiness they cannot help but wonder if there is something wrong with them. Maybe I should be feeling that way… Women, on the other hand, are hurt in a whole different way by this concept.
To be a woman in the world today is tenuous enough a situation. We have been fed the lies of what makes a woman worth something from the time we could visually interpret a magazine cover in the grocery store check out line. The microscope a woman’s body lives under is monumentally destructive. This cultural albatross is a driving force for eating disorders, self esteem issues, self loathing, embarrassment, shame, anxiety and fear. This is the legacy every woman inherits by default. Now, take this relentless message of, ”How to get your bikini body by last Thursday”, “If you’ve got it flaunt it,” and, “21 ways to make his head spin”, and layer it with the voice of every respectable, authoritative man this girl has ever known, condemning her for even considering not keeping herself under wraps.
To a woman, the world says, “No matter who you are, you are the wrong shape and must conform and expose to be accepted. You will find your worth in direct correlation with your ability to make men want you.” The distorted message being broadcast from church pulpits and classrooms replies, “No matter who you are or what your shape, your body is dangerous to the minds of men and must be concealed. You will find your worth as you protect your priesthood brethren from the inherent and unavoidable lust inducing essence emanating from your body. Wrap it up in fabric. That ought to do the trick. ”
All of this is to say nothing of the fact that the clothing available to young women today falls in one of two categories: 1. Old McDonald had a farm… with three daughters dressed in homemade curtains, or 2. Is this a shirt or a bra? I can’t tell. Any women tasked with what often feels the impossibility of living “in the world but not of it” ultimately resorts to a daily ritual of layer upon layer upon layer--a tank top to make the shirt long enough, another to make the neckline high enough, a shirt for the sleeves, although it’s nearly see through so maybe a cardigan. The sleeves are a little short anyway. Feeling footloose and fancy free? How about a skirt. Why not? Go crazy! But make sure you don’t forget the leggings underneath, just to be safe.
I can tell you one thing, modest certainly is hottest, and I live in a tropical jungle called Hawaii. Ain’t nobody got time for that.
Now, that being said, I may surprise you when I say that I do believe in dressing modestly. I’m an endowed member of the church and have been for years. For reasons described above I find it exceptionally challenging to live up to the standards of modesty that are, indeed, part of the agreement I made in the temple years ago--but I do it. It may not make a difference to you, but the reason I do it makes all the difference to me. It’s simple, beautiful and has absolutely nothing to do with my lady lumps or weather or not I’m causing my brother to stumble. Logic dictates, if my brother is stumbling he should watch where he’s going.
The reason I dress modestly is because I love God. I love God, and I promised Him I would do it. I don’t know exactly why He asked for it. I don’t know why the way a fabric hits my body makes such a difference to Him. And I have no idea how this idea that men’s thoughts are women’s responsibility got started or how it ever got so completely out of control. I do know He expects a lot more than primal idiots and isolated body parts out of us. I do know he views us each as a whole, not as parts or rudimentary urges, and I do know He loves me no matter what it is I choose.
But have made decisions.
I decided to take upon myself a higher standard of living when I made sacred covenants and accepted generous blessings. I decided to stay strong in those covenants when everyone and everything in my life moved in the opposite direction. I decided to come to BYU Hawaii, and I signed the Honor Code. I am a woman of my word. I don’t give up the freedom of expression that comes through fashion, the ease of comfort that could be found in dressing in a single layer, or the joy of sexy underwear willie nillie. Oh no, this is serious business. I dress modestly, and I will continue to dress modestly. I just want to state for the record that it has less than nothing to do with you, your son, your boyfriend, or mine, the bishop, the Prophet, the super attractive waiter or the nerdy boy in my gym class. It’s about my God, my respect for Him and my decision to be a woman who lives in truth.
*Let's build a community of like minded Mormons who want to make our doctrines and our culture congruent. Tune in to my thoughts, rants and ideas for change by joining the site or following by email--both are just a couple quick clicks the the right of this text. Thanks for reading!
On the other end of the spectrum we have men who are not hounded day and night by this obsessive need to breed. This may be because they have become mature, balanced, self possessed individuals. Or, far more common than we ever acknowledge, the spectrum of human sexuality is just that: a spectrum. Some men find that the hyper masculine image portrayed in the media resonates with them. Others are not constantly overtaken by this stereotypical behavior championed in music, locker rooms, TV and movies. I have ground-breaking news: some men, even heterosexual, women loving, motorcycle riding, sports playing men just don’t experience life the way it is far too frequently described. When this end of the spectrum encounters such talk of women’s overpowering lustiness they cannot help but wonder if there is something wrong with them. Maybe I should be feeling that way… Women, on the other hand, are hurt in a whole different way by this concept.
To be a woman in the world today is tenuous enough a situation. We have been fed the lies of what makes a woman worth something from the time we could visually interpret a magazine cover in the grocery store check out line. The microscope a woman’s body lives under is monumentally destructive. This cultural albatross is a driving force for eating disorders, self esteem issues, self loathing, embarrassment, shame, anxiety and fear. This is the legacy every woman inherits by default. Now, take this relentless message of, ”How to get your bikini body by last Thursday”, “If you’ve got it flaunt it,” and, “21 ways to make his head spin”, and layer it with the voice of every respectable, authoritative man this girl has ever known, condemning her for even considering not keeping herself under wraps.
To a woman, the world says, “No matter who you are, you are the wrong shape and must conform and expose to be accepted. You will find your worth in direct correlation with your ability to make men want you.” The distorted message being broadcast from church pulpits and classrooms replies, “No matter who you are or what your shape, your body is dangerous to the minds of men and must be concealed. You will find your worth as you protect your priesthood brethren from the inherent and unavoidable lust inducing essence emanating from your body. Wrap it up in fabric. That ought to do the trick. ”
All of this is to say nothing of the fact that the clothing available to young women today falls in one of two categories: 1. Old McDonald had a farm… with three daughters dressed in homemade curtains, or 2. Is this a shirt or a bra? I can’t tell. Any women tasked with what often feels the impossibility of living “in the world but not of it” ultimately resorts to a daily ritual of layer upon layer upon layer--a tank top to make the shirt long enough, another to make the neckline high enough, a shirt for the sleeves, although it’s nearly see through so maybe a cardigan. The sleeves are a little short anyway. Feeling footloose and fancy free? How about a skirt. Why not? Go crazy! But make sure you don’t forget the leggings underneath, just to be safe.
I can tell you one thing, modest certainly is hottest, and I live in a tropical jungle called Hawaii. Ain’t nobody got time for that.
Now, that being said, I may surprise you when I say that I do believe in dressing modestly. I’m an endowed member of the church and have been for years. For reasons described above I find it exceptionally challenging to live up to the standards of modesty that are, indeed, part of the agreement I made in the temple years ago--but I do it. It may not make a difference to you, but the reason I do it makes all the difference to me. It’s simple, beautiful and has absolutely nothing to do with my lady lumps or weather or not I’m causing my brother to stumble. Logic dictates, if my brother is stumbling he should watch where he’s going.
The reason I dress modestly is because I love God. I love God, and I promised Him I would do it. I don’t know exactly why He asked for it. I don’t know why the way a fabric hits my body makes such a difference to Him. And I have no idea how this idea that men’s thoughts are women’s responsibility got started or how it ever got so completely out of control. I do know He expects a lot more than primal idiots and isolated body parts out of us. I do know he views us each as a whole, not as parts or rudimentary urges, and I do know He loves me no matter what it is I choose.
But have made decisions.
I decided to take upon myself a higher standard of living when I made sacred covenants and accepted generous blessings. I decided to stay strong in those covenants when everyone and everything in my life moved in the opposite direction. I decided to come to BYU Hawaii, and I signed the Honor Code. I am a woman of my word. I don’t give up the freedom of expression that comes through fashion, the ease of comfort that could be found in dressing in a single layer, or the joy of sexy underwear willie nillie. Oh no, this is serious business. I dress modestly, and I will continue to dress modestly. I just want to state for the record that it has less than nothing to do with you, your son, your boyfriend, or mine, the bishop, the Prophet, the super attractive waiter or the nerdy boy in my gym class. It’s about my God, my respect for Him and my decision to be a woman who lives in truth.
*Let's build a community of like minded Mormons who want to make our doctrines and our culture congruent. Tune in to my thoughts, rants and ideas for change by joining the site or following by email--both are just a couple quick clicks the the right of this text. Thanks for reading!
